what HE gives...HE takes back....

i'm currently doing my elective posting in SCN/ NICU- for those who is not used to these terms it basically means a place / ward for newborns or premies with complications during or after birth.....so it had been 4 months working my ass off here in this new unit.. everything seemed different..tiny and small...getting used to it all took sometime...now i've been doing calls for 2 months...tiring all in all...*how i miss having HO around!!*.......

a few days ago, during my ON-call day.....there was this baby who was about a week old with some growth in his brain, after being investigated it turned out to be a nasty type of growth which usually has a poor outcome.....the anxious parents were told of this and of the poorly expected outcome - no matter what we resort to....being a mum myself..i could only imagine how shattered the parents must have felt on learning this fact......awaiting for their final decision on some operation which may help the suffering baby and stall the course of the disease ...the mum finally consented...

while I was doing my rounds that night, the teary-eyed mum approached me asking permission to bring in his eldest (5 yr old) in to see his lil baby brother that he had waited for all this time.....without any expressions or words..silently i thought...*Hmmm...lepas operation pun bley tengok...*...but her next sentenced struck me dumb......" saya nak sangat bawak abang dia masuk tengok adik sebelum bedah sebab nanti lepas bedah takut kepala dah berlubang ke, tempurung tak ade..kesian abg die tgk adik die rupe macam tu pulak......kan doktor..??

- Ya Allah....I ...i mean we ..doctors had been so used to seeing patients with deformities and in bad conditions or recovering from operations or diseases with permanent defects..that we tend to forget that these sights are new and not normal to lay-man ( or people out there).....* yelah...i slowly terfikir...." what and how would a 5 year old boy react seeing his lil 1 week old brother with no skull / worst a whole in the head???*

after discussing with a senior colleague n the in- charge ward sister...we allowed the lil boy in - in discretion for just a few minutes.....seeing him watch his lil newborn brother for the first time brought tears streaming down my cheeks...." Ma...comelnye adik Ma...Bile adik nak balik ngan kite ye Ma.???cepat lah adik balik....."....when he looked at me as if awaiting for an answer as to when can his lil brother come home..my answer was " abang doa banyak2 kat Allah...bagi adik baik...okey..." >near-choking on each words...trying to hold back tears......the mother was speechless....I saw only tears streaming down her face and wetting her towel in hand.....

The next morning, as early as 6 am as i was up taking bloods.....and up-dating patient's progress, I saw the mum cradling her baby close and talking to the baby with teary eyes.....the lil baby went for operation that afternoon but...as Allah loved him so......and it was fated to be...he succumbed

I hope the dear family who have endured this recent loss take this as a dugaan from HIM....and I pray they be blessed with another healthy son in near future....

As for me.....though this NICU posting is really hectic n tiring...it has thought me priceless lessons on how lucky I am n how grateful I should be ....for eventhough my pregnancies were always complicated...it ends with easy deliveries n my babies are healthy......I can only imagine the sadness n anxiety parents feel for their lil babies who are warded here.....waiting day by day for the time they can cradle the babies at home peacefully.....What I can offer now..is help..help...and more help ....as much as possible to make this "going home to mama n papa " possible n as soon as it can be....

~Alhamdulillah Allah for blessing me wif healthy ariff n aufa.......